Well, this is how my mind works. I was stacking firewood on my front porch. It was quite cold. Naturally, in the monotony of the task my mind wandered on to better things. It took the usual route. First it was food. Then breasts. It lingered there for a while, before switching to movies.
In the end I thought about the X-Men. They have two movies currently in production: one is the sequel to X-Men: First Class (called X-Men: Days of Futures Past) which is supposed to merge the prequel/reboot with the original trilogy. The other is The Wolverine. Both movies will feature Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine. And I thought, Hugh Jackman is like the definitive Wolverine. He has played the role in every X-Men feature and spinoff because not only is Wolverine everyone's favorite member of the team, but Hugh Jackman nails it. The thing is, Wolverine does not age. Hugh Jackman does. So what happens when Jackman is too old for Wolverine? I mean, he has already been reprising the role for nearly 15 years, eventually it's going to show.
I guess the answer would be to move on to another actor. It's not impossible to find someone else who could handle the role. Who knows, maybe he be an even better Wolverine. But, I've been thinking. Does that really have to happen? This is the 21st century! Nowadays, they can do just about anything with CGI. Just look at Avatar. Actually, don't. That movie was kind of stupid. Look at Lord of the Rings instead, and how Gollum is played by a dude in a green suit.
One thing they have been toying with, but haven't quite perfected yet, is creating a three-dimensional model of a recognizable human face. And they've tried a few times. In Tron: Legacy, the character CLU was played by a body-double with a computerized model of Jeff Bridges head from a 1980s movie superimposed onto it. And Bridges did voiceover work for the part. It was mostly convincing, but obviously not a real human.There is also Terminator Salvation, which did the same thing with a model of a younger Arnold Schwarzenegger's head in order to recreate the Terminator. The only other example I can think of is actually a commercial for Galaxy Chocolate, in which Audrey Hepburn's likeness is completely artificial (and quite eerie, as she smiles and eats chocolate).
So I was thinking, if Fox owns the rights to the character Wolverine, they can make him look like whatever they want, right? Even if it happens to look exactly like Hugh Jackman? So once Hugh can no longer keep up with the physical needs of the Wolverine character, they could just make a mold of his features and create a digital model that can be used whenever they need it. I suppose he'd have to contribute voice work for a while. But it's only a matter of time before they figure out how to replicate the voice too.
My point is, just like 3D, CG facial likenesses are probably going to get used more and more, for better and worse. And one interesting use would be to keep Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine for another 10 or 15 X-Men movies. What do you think? Would it be more traditional/sensible to eventually get a new actor in the role? Or should the studio just say 'what the hell' and keep Jackman in the role forever? It would be pretty cinematically groundbreaking, not just technologically, but also because it would actually immortalize an immortal character. Think about it.
And for those of you who were wondering how the wood stacking went...some of it was kind of wet. And even though it's early March, there were snails and fungus clinging to some of the downward-facing pieces. That's why it's important to wear gloves.
Oh, and here's a link to the Audrey Hepburn Galaxy Chocolate commercial.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
The Show is Written ABOUT Zombies, Not FOR Them
Look, I hate to do this before the season is over. But I am having trouble holding my breath for the rest of season 3 of The Walking Dead. And besides, I haven't written anything in a while.
What the hell is going on? The show just came back a few weeks ago from its midseason break, and absolutely nothing has happened since. The last three weeks in particular seem to have been written with the sole purpose of wasting time until the season finale. If you haven't seen them, let me recap.
GOVERNOR, to Andrea: If you go to the prison, that's it. Don't come back. You will be our enemy.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: Okay.
[At the prison]
ANDREA: I'm alive!
RICK: Meh.
ANDREA: The Governor is a good guy. I slept with him, I should know.
MICHONNE: He's crazy.
MAGGIE: He tried to rape me.
GLENN: He had Merle try to feed me to a walker.
RICK: He came here and opened fire on unarmed men and women walking around in the daylight.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: You're all wrong. He doesn't want a war. I have to go.
RICK: If you're one of us, you'll stay. If you go, that's it. Don't come back. You will be our enemy. [Andrea leaves]
RICK: We will kill the Governor, first chance we get. Nothing will change my mind about that.
[At Woodbury]
GOVERNOR: You're back.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: Did you really try to kill Glenn, rape Maggie, make Daryl and Merle kill each other, and shoot unarmed men and women?
GOVERNOR: ...
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: You're not a monster. Let's have sex.
THE END
[Rick, Michonne, and Carl are in a car.]
RANDOM, DESPERATE SURVIVOR ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Help me! Help! PLEASEEEEE!
RICK: Ignore him. I hate everyone. We need to learn to leave people behind. By the way, Michonne, I don't trust you.
[In some town]
MORGAN, disguised with mask: Hand over your guns, or die!
RICK: No!
[Bullets. Michonne teleports to a rooftop. Morgan walks out on the street and Carl shoots him.]
CARL: I shot him.
RICK: Carl, my helpless son who used to run through the zombie-infested woods around Hershel's farm, and then through the dark zombie-infested hallways of the prison, completely unattended, are you okay? Are you mentally scarred by any of this?
CARL: It's what mom would have wanted.
RICK: Michonne, I trust you now, babysit my son for a while. [Michonne and Carl leave.]
RICK: Morgan, it's me, Rick.
MORGAN: I don't know you.
RICK: Yes you do!
MORGAN: Okay, I know you.
RICK: Come back with us.
MORGAN: No.
RICK: I never leave a man behind! We have to hold on to our humanity.
MORGAN: What about that survivor on the highway? The one who, even though we are now over a year into the zombie apocalypse, is still helplessly running around trying to figure out what's going on, while I, a civilian, have managed to stockpile a room full of automatic weapons, carve hundreds of spears out of broom handles, as well as capture a bunch of rats and rodents to use as bait?
RICK: Okay, you're right. I'll see ya later.
[Meanwhile...]
CARL: I have to kill all the walkers in this diner that has no significance to viewers.
MICHONNE: I have a better idea. [Michonne teleports in, gets whatever Carl wanted, and teleports back.] Here you go.
[Michonne and Carl return to Rick.]
RICK: Okay let's go. I hope nothing at all of importance has been going on with the prison or Woodbury.
[As they drive away, they pass the random, desperate survivor on the side of the road, who has since been disemboweled. After a full year, he hasn't even learned to run from a walker.]
THE END
Episode 13: "Arrow on the Doorstep"
[Rick shows up at some factory, with Hershel and Daryl. The Governor is already there. Andrea arrives with Martinez and Milton.]
[Outside]
MARTINEZ: Fuck you!
DARYL: Fuck you!
MILTON: I am a man of science. Can't you tell by this notebook! We don't want to fight.
HERSHEL: Neither do we. I am missing a leg, and am therefore the sensible one of the two of us.
MILTON: We're not so different.
HERSHEL: Yea, but we're going to have to kill each other anyway because we need a season finale.
[Inside]
RICK: Who arranged this meeting?
GOVERNOR: I will gladly kill you and all of your friends, just because I don't give a shit.
RICK: I won't let that happen.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: Look, I believe that...
RICK: Shut up!
GOVERNOR: Go away!
[Andrea goes outside]
HERSHEL, to Andrea: You belong with us. If you're one of us, you'll stay with us. If you go, that's it. Don't come back. You will be our enemy.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: I think I'll come with you.
[Inside]
GOVERNOR: Okay, I am a man of my word. And I think, sitting down like this, with a table and chairs and everything, you have no reason not to trust me, even though I keep smiling maniacally every time I say something that is obviously not true.
RICK: You're right. I trust you. What do you want?
GOVERNOR: Michonne. Let me rape and torture that bitch, and you can keep the prison.
RICK: Hm, that is some noble reasoning. I'll think about it.
[Rick, Hershel, and Daryl go back to the prison. Andrea, Martinez, the Governor, and Milton head back to Woodbury.]
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent, to the Governor: How'd it go? What's the plan? Everything work out?
GOVERNOR, smiling maniacally: Ohhh yes, it's been worked out. Worked out real good. Mwahahaha!
THE END
So we have three full 42-minute episodes of characters saying one thing and then doing another for really no other reason than to take up time. I find it irresponsible that AMC or the writers or whoever would push for an extended season of 16 episodes, knowing that there's not enough story to fill it.
Now, I have also read the comics. And I appreciate that the TV series is a completely different story, and therefore I will not stress over the immense liberties being taken with the source material. But one thing that gets me is that the characters are actually more interesting on paper. In the comics, we see that the Governor is insane and not just because Michonne gets a bad feeling about him. And Tyreese, that dude who just wandered into the big gaping hole in the prison at the end of the first half of season three, is supposed to play a huge role in defending the prison. In the show, he and his group represented a huge cliffhanger before the break. But instead they tossed him and the others out after one episode, and he is only mentioned again once since then. The same goes for Morgan. Why bother mentioning the character again if you're just going to drop him at the end of the episode. What a waste of time.
In the show, they managed to drag Hershel's farm out for an entire season, when in the comics the group wasn't there for very long. And yet they WERE at the prison for a pretty long time time. And a lot of interesting stuff happened to them. But the writers opted to cut out all of the good stuff, and throw in a bunch of dead ends and plot holes. And worst of all: where are the zombies!? For three seasons, the show has sacrificed any significant character development to showcase the blood and gore. But in the last few episodes we have been seen an walkers, let alone feel threatened by or afraid of them.
I certainly hope they put the next three episodes to good use. They can only build up tension between Rick and the Governor so far without actually doing anything. And that's what everyone is waiting for.
What the hell is going on? The show just came back a few weeks ago from its midseason break, and absolutely nothing has happened since. The last three weeks in particular seem to have been written with the sole purpose of wasting time until the season finale. If you haven't seen them, let me recap.
Episode 11: "I ain't a Judas"
GOVERNOR, to Andrea: If you go to the prison, that's it. Don't come back. You will be our enemy.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: Okay.
[At the prison]
ANDREA: I'm alive!
RICK: Meh.
ANDREA: The Governor is a good guy. I slept with him, I should know.
MICHONNE: He's crazy.
MAGGIE: He tried to rape me.
GLENN: He had Merle try to feed me to a walker.
RICK: He came here and opened fire on unarmed men and women walking around in the daylight.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: You're all wrong. He doesn't want a war. I have to go.
RICK: If you're one of us, you'll stay. If you go, that's it. Don't come back. You will be our enemy. [Andrea leaves]
RICK: We will kill the Governor, first chance we get. Nothing will change my mind about that.
[At Woodbury]
GOVERNOR: You're back.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: Did you really try to kill Glenn, rape Maggie, make Daryl and Merle kill each other, and shoot unarmed men and women?
GOVERNOR: ...
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: You're not a monster. Let's have sex.
THE END
Episode 12: "Clear"
RANDOM, DESPERATE SURVIVOR ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Help me! Help! PLEASEEEEE!
RICK: Ignore him. I hate everyone. We need to learn to leave people behind. By the way, Michonne, I don't trust you.
[In some town]
MORGAN, disguised with mask: Hand over your guns, or die!
RICK: No!
[Bullets. Michonne teleports to a rooftop. Morgan walks out on the street and Carl shoots him.]
CARL: I shot him.
RICK: Carl, my helpless son who used to run through the zombie-infested woods around Hershel's farm, and then through the dark zombie-infested hallways of the prison, completely unattended, are you okay? Are you mentally scarred by any of this?
CARL: It's what mom would have wanted.
RICK: Michonne, I trust you now, babysit my son for a while. [Michonne and Carl leave.]
RICK: Morgan, it's me, Rick.
MORGAN: I don't know you.
RICK: Yes you do!
MORGAN: Okay, I know you.
RICK: Come back with us.
MORGAN: No.
RICK: I never leave a man behind! We have to hold on to our humanity.
MORGAN: What about that survivor on the highway? The one who, even though we are now over a year into the zombie apocalypse, is still helplessly running around trying to figure out what's going on, while I, a civilian, have managed to stockpile a room full of automatic weapons, carve hundreds of spears out of broom handles, as well as capture a bunch of rats and rodents to use as bait?
RICK: Okay, you're right. I'll see ya later.
[Meanwhile...]
CARL: I have to kill all the walkers in this diner that has no significance to viewers.
MICHONNE: I have a better idea. [Michonne teleports in, gets whatever Carl wanted, and teleports back.] Here you go.
[Michonne and Carl return to Rick.]
RICK: Okay let's go. I hope nothing at all of importance has been going on with the prison or Woodbury.
[As they drive away, they pass the random, desperate survivor on the side of the road, who has since been disemboweled. After a full year, he hasn't even learned to run from a walker.]
THE END
Episode 13: "Arrow on the Doorstep"
[Rick shows up at some factory, with Hershel and Daryl. The Governor is already there. Andrea arrives with Martinez and Milton.]
[Outside]
MARTINEZ: Fuck you!
DARYL: Fuck you!
MILTON: I am a man of science. Can't you tell by this notebook! We don't want to fight.
HERSHEL: Neither do we. I am missing a leg, and am therefore the sensible one of the two of us.
MILTON: We're not so different.
HERSHEL: Yea, but we're going to have to kill each other anyway because we need a season finale.
[Inside]
RICK: Who arranged this meeting?
GOVERNOR: I will gladly kill you and all of your friends, just because I don't give a shit.
RICK: I won't let that happen.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: Look, I believe that...
RICK: Shut up!
GOVERNOR: Go away!
[Andrea goes outside]
HERSHEL, to Andrea: You belong with us. If you're one of us, you'll stay with us. If you go, that's it. Don't come back. You will be our enemy.
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: I think I'll come with you.
[Inside]
GOVERNOR: Okay, I am a man of my word. And I think, sitting down like this, with a table and chairs and everything, you have no reason not to trust me, even though I keep smiling maniacally every time I say something that is obviously not true.
RICK: You're right. I trust you. What do you want?
GOVERNOR: Michonne. Let me rape and torture that bitch, and you can keep the prison.
RICK: Hm, that is some noble reasoning. I'll think about it.
[Rick, Hershel, and Daryl go back to the prison. Andrea, Martinez, the Governor, and Milton head back to Woodbury.]
ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent, to the Governor: How'd it go? What's the plan? Everything work out?
GOVERNOR, smiling maniacally: Ohhh yes, it's been worked out. Worked out real good. Mwahahaha!
THE END
So we have three full 42-minute episodes of characters saying one thing and then doing another for really no other reason than to take up time. I find it irresponsible that AMC or the writers or whoever would push for an extended season of 16 episodes, knowing that there's not enough story to fill it.
Now, I have also read the comics. And I appreciate that the TV series is a completely different story, and therefore I will not stress over the immense liberties being taken with the source material. But one thing that gets me is that the characters are actually more interesting on paper. In the comics, we see that the Governor is insane and not just because Michonne gets a bad feeling about him. And Tyreese, that dude who just wandered into the big gaping hole in the prison at the end of the first half of season three, is supposed to play a huge role in defending the prison. In the show, he and his group represented a huge cliffhanger before the break. But instead they tossed him and the others out after one episode, and he is only mentioned again once since then. The same goes for Morgan. Why bother mentioning the character again if you're just going to drop him at the end of the episode. What a waste of time.
In the show, they managed to drag Hershel's farm out for an entire season, when in the comics the group wasn't there for very long. And yet they WERE at the prison for a pretty long time time. And a lot of interesting stuff happened to them. But the writers opted to cut out all of the good stuff, and throw in a bunch of dead ends and plot holes. And worst of all: where are the zombies!? For three seasons, the show has sacrificed any significant character development to showcase the blood and gore. But in the last few episodes we have been seen an walkers, let alone feel threatened by or afraid of them.
I certainly hope they put the next three episodes to good use. They can only build up tension between Rick and the Governor so far without actually doing anything. And that's what everyone is waiting for.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Sorry, We Already Have a George
So what's the deal with two or more movies coming out in the same year that have essentially the same premise. And I am not talking about the straight-to-DVD copycats with similar titles, like Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies and Hansel and Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft. I mean theatrical features produced by the top studios. I suppose it's not a new concept, but it seems to be more popular this year and last. To celebrate the current lack of originality in Hollywood, which is wrought with sequels, reboots, and, parodies, I thought I would honor some of the most original unoriginal ideas.
The oldest pair that comes to mind is A Bug's Life and Antz. Do I really have to explain what they're about? Both are animated. One represents America's premier animation studio (Pixar) in the early stages of its eventual empire, and the other...has Sylvester Stallone. One is entertaining for children and adults of all ages, and the other...has Sylvester Stallone.
A year or two ago there we saw No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits. And when I say 'we saw', what I mean is, 'maybe some people saw it, but I wasn't one of them'. Nevertheless they are both about friends having sex with each other and, I assume, falling in love. They both feature actresses who were much better in Black Swan. And they both feature leading men who should stop stepping in front of cameras: Justin Timberlake and Ashton Kutcher.
A year before that, Kutcher also gave us Killers, which is the age old romantic comedy about a seemingly normal guy who is actually a secret agent, and the dumb blonde who follows him around and falls in love with him. It's a carbon copy of the Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz masterpiece, Knight and Day.
There was that period where all we wanted to see was grim, post-apocalyptic movies where the cause of the end of the world is unknown, but everything is cold, dead, and brownish-colored. Now let me just point out that all other pairs of movies in this post came out in the same year. Which is my point. And I say that, because technically The Road and The Book of Eli were released in two different years, but it was only by a couple months, so I'm still including. And yes, you can argue that they are completely different, and original movies. To which I reply: Eh, not really.
The Dark Knight showed us that not all superhero movies have to be Superhero Movies. So in one year we got a pair of films about guys who are tired of the crime around them, and so they dress up in shitty outfits and try to take down mobsters. Those films are Kick-Ass and Super.
Speaking of Christopher Nolan, The Prestige was an awesome mind-bending movie with clones and magic and David Bowie. The Illusionist was about...well, illusions, I guess.
Which brings me to 2012. It's not like a studio doesn't know that another studio is doing the same thing. So...is it a race? Is it a competition? I haven't seen Paranorman or Frankenweenie, but they both appear to be reimagined horror stories with Tim Burton-style animation, for kids. And even their covers are too similar to care if either of them are any good. Also last year we got two different interpretations of Honest Abe, one Oscar-bait biopic starring Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln) and the other a what-if scenario in which the Confederates are actually vampires (the aptly titles Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter). Finally, we were treated to not one, but two dramatized live-action reinterpretations of the Snow White fairy tale: Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman.
This year seems to be continuing with the fairy tales, as we have already gotten Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters and Jack the Giant Slayer. Okay, so maybe these movies are not quite about the exact same thing. It just seems like in the long run they are using similar source material to accomplish the same things, and are unsuccessful in both cases. Later on this year we will get two competing movies featuring A-list actors (Tom Cruise again, and Will Smith) returning to Earth after some futuristic war forced humanity to abandon it, in After Earth and Oblivion. And we'll also get two movies with the EXACT same plot -- Olympus Has Fallen and White House Down -- which, if the titles aren't clear enough, are both about terrorists taking over the White House.
Those are the only ones I bothered to come up with. If you can think of more, feel free to point them out in the comments. One could also make the same argument with TV shows. Just watch this video:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/48e76dcdab/i-can-t-believe-these-are-all-tv-shows
UPDATE:
Let's Add:
The Movie 43 and Inappropriate Comedy
Scary Movie 5 and A Haunted House
Red Planet and Mission to Mars
Colombiana and Haywire
The oldest pair that comes to mind is A Bug's Life and Antz. Do I really have to explain what they're about? Both are animated. One represents America's premier animation studio (Pixar) in the early stages of its eventual empire, and the other...has Sylvester Stallone. One is entertaining for children and adults of all ages, and the other...has Sylvester Stallone.
A year or two ago there we saw No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits. And when I say 'we saw', what I mean is, 'maybe some people saw it, but I wasn't one of them'. Nevertheless they are both about friends having sex with each other and, I assume, falling in love. They both feature actresses who were much better in Black Swan. And they both feature leading men who should stop stepping in front of cameras: Justin Timberlake and Ashton Kutcher.
A year before that, Kutcher also gave us Killers, which is the age old romantic comedy about a seemingly normal guy who is actually a secret agent, and the dumb blonde who follows him around and falls in love with him. It's a carbon copy of the Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz masterpiece, Knight and Day.
There was that period where all we wanted to see was grim, post-apocalyptic movies where the cause of the end of the world is unknown, but everything is cold, dead, and brownish-colored. Now let me just point out that all other pairs of movies in this post came out in the same year. Which is my point. And I say that, because technically The Road and The Book of Eli were released in two different years, but it was only by a couple months, so I'm still including. And yes, you can argue that they are completely different, and original movies. To which I reply: Eh, not really.
The Dark Knight showed us that not all superhero movies have to be Superhero Movies. So in one year we got a pair of films about guys who are tired of the crime around them, and so they dress up in shitty outfits and try to take down mobsters. Those films are Kick-Ass and Super.
Speaking of Christopher Nolan, The Prestige was an awesome mind-bending movie with clones and magic and David Bowie. The Illusionist was about...well, illusions, I guess.
Which brings me to 2012. It's not like a studio doesn't know that another studio is doing the same thing. So...is it a race? Is it a competition? I haven't seen Paranorman or Frankenweenie, but they both appear to be reimagined horror stories with Tim Burton-style animation, for kids. And even their covers are too similar to care if either of them are any good. Also last year we got two different interpretations of Honest Abe, one Oscar-bait biopic starring Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln) and the other a what-if scenario in which the Confederates are actually vampires (the aptly titles Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter). Finally, we were treated to not one, but two dramatized live-action reinterpretations of the Snow White fairy tale: Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman.
This year seems to be continuing with the fairy tales, as we have already gotten Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters and Jack the Giant Slayer. Okay, so maybe these movies are not quite about the exact same thing. It just seems like in the long run they are using similar source material to accomplish the same things, and are unsuccessful in both cases. Later on this year we will get two competing movies featuring A-list actors (Tom Cruise again, and Will Smith) returning to Earth after some futuristic war forced humanity to abandon it, in After Earth and Oblivion. And we'll also get two movies with the EXACT same plot -- Olympus Has Fallen and White House Down -- which, if the titles aren't clear enough, are both about terrorists taking over the White House.
Those are the only ones I bothered to come up with. If you can think of more, feel free to point them out in the comments. One could also make the same argument with TV shows. Just watch this video:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/48e76dcdab/i-can-t-believe-these-are-all-tv-shows
UPDATE:
Let's Add:
The Movie 43 and Inappropriate Comedy
Scary Movie 5 and A Haunted House
Red Planet and Mission to Mars
Colombiana and Haywire
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