Breaking Bad, Bitch!

I'm back! At long last. I wish I could say I was doing something fun and exciting in the three months since my last post, but the truth is that I just sort of lost the urge to write anything. This was, when all is said and done, a pretty shitty summer movie season; I tried my best to not think about movies too much. You can check out my reviews over at BackRowCritics to see how well I did with that.

I return now because the new and final season of Breaking Bad starts in less than a week. At this point, you either know what Breaking Bad is and you probably love it, or you've still somehow never heard of it. I'm not here to talk about its merits or my anticipation for the final season, or any of that. You can find that anywhere on the internet.

I actually wanted to talk about something I don't really see anyone ranting and raving about (granted, I don't look very hard). And that's the character of Hank Schrader. Breaking Bad has always had a diverse and interesting supporting cast -- Saul, Gus, Mike, and to a lesser extent, Skinny Pete, Badger, Jane, Gale, and Tuco. But in my mind, Hank is like the third corner of a triangle opposite Walt and Jesse.

Yea...this guy.

I argue that Hank's character, his transformation during the five seasons of the show, and his relationship with the 'main' characters is just as profound and ambitious as the dynamic between Walt and Jesse. In the first season, Hank comes off as kind of a goofball DEA agent. If anything, it seems that his existence is completely contrived; we have a show about a chemist who wants to cook meth, so of course his brother-in-law is a DEA agent. And at first, Hank is the comic relief supporting character, balancing out the irritating wife Skyler and her sister Marie.

But we quickly realize that Hank is not only a fantastic detective, he is also incredibly human. He never honestly suspects Walt of cooking meth; it would just be ludicrous. However, he is dedicated to his work. He gets an enjoyment out of catching bad guys and locking up 'monsters'. And then, when he tracks Jesse's car to Hector Salamanca's house and ends up killing Tuco out of self defense, his entire life changes. The near death experience jump starts his career investigation while at the same time initiating him into the brutal realities of the drug trade creeping up from below the border. Things only get more disturbing for Hank when he is promoted and sent to El Paso, where he barely survives a violent cartel 'message'. In season three, Salamanca's sons attack Hank, on Gus' orders, shooting him four times. He manages to kill both of them and survive, only to continue his hunt for Heisenberg.

What's fascinating about the show is that every step of Hank's journey is inadvertently orchestrated by Walt. It is never as simple as Hank being hot on Walt's trail. Hank's life, his security, his sanity, and his career have all been put in jeopardy because of Walt's decisions. By season five, though he's still cracking boner jokes and razzing Steve Gomez, Hank is a completely different person. His transformation has been just as remarkable as Walt and Jesse's.

And this, hopefully, is why the second half of season two is going to be so memorable. In that last scene -- of Hank on the toilet, of all places -- he realizes that not only has Heisenberg been under his nose this entire time (much like his boss learned of Gustavo Fring earlier in the season), but every little thing that has happened to him in the past couple of years, for better or worse, has been because of Walt. It was searching for Walt that led to the confrontation with Tuco, Walt's idea to pretend Marie was in a car accident, which ended in Hank putting Jesse in the hospital, Walt's situation with Gus that set the Salamanca brothers against Hank. It goes on and on. I cannot wait to see what these next eight episodes bring. To think Hank is just going to throw a pair of handcuffs on Walt and call it a day is way too easy.

From what I read, people always seem to say 'are you on Walt's side or Jesse's side?' Well, I am on Hank's side.

The actor who plays Hank is Dean Norris. He is also currently on the show Under the Dome, and is easily the best actor on the show (unfortunately, that isn't saying much). My reason for this post is because the actor and the character both deserve more credit. Gus is possibly my favorite TV villain; Saul Goodman is getting a spin-off series; Cranston wins an emmy just about every year. But where is the love for Hank?

Anyways, Breaking Bad.

Week 2

The title of this post doesn't really hold any significance. I've been dieting for three or four weeks now. For the first week, I didn't have a bathroom scale. But now I do and I weigh myself every week, only once. I don't really know the rules of weighing myself. Is one day of the week better than another? Is evening better than the morning? I don't know. But I try to keep it consistent. And I make sure it's only once a week.

Today I took my third reading, so let's consider this week 3 (though I don't feel like changing the title). My first success was eating much less. It only took a few days of rationing for my body to get used to less food. I rarely get that fierce hunger that I used to get before eating. And I don't really get the urge to snack after dinner like I used to. It also helps that I am out of the house all day and not sitting around with nothing else to do. I've melded breakfast and lunch into one meal, and it's usually just a scrambled egg or a cup of yogurt. Unfortunately, I'm very particular about my yogurt, so it's an egg more often than not.

I've been drinking a ton of water. Like half a gallon a day. It has replaced most of the fluids I consume daily. I was already pretty good about what I drink; no sodas or energy drinks. But I would usually drink one or two full glasses of chocolate milk and a glass of orange juice. So I've been cutting back on that.

I should also mention that I biked back and forth to work this morning. I should try to do that every morning (pending reasonable weather). Then again, every summer I make the same promise to myself, and every summer, once the mornings start heating up, getting to work drenched in sweat at sunrise loses its appeal. Last week, I went for a run around the block with my dog. He's basically a gazelle, so my jogging pace is just a comfortable trot for him. But he kept me moving about as effectively as grabbing the handles on a treadmill, so that helped. Maybe I'll trade off biking and running in the future.

I find that at least once a week I end up eating more than I really should. It's not intentional; on average, I eat out or with friends once a week, and I am pressured to eat something I really shouldn't. And I hate leaving food on the plate at a restaurant. The other day I had a fajita. Shame on me.

I've also been experimenting a bit with vegetarianism. I guess that sounds silly. Basically I challenged myself to go without meat for a few days. Turns out it's not that hard. I'm definitely not becoming a vegetarian any time soon, but it felt good to eat only fresh fruit and veggies for a period. The hard part is finding a balance. I'm simply not hungry enough to eat what I should. I bought fruit to eat in the evenings instead of snacks, but like I said, I don't even get the urge.

In my original post I said that my only goal was improvement. Well, I'm making progress. It seems slow, but it's there. And it's starting to show. It's definitely the progress I need to keep going. I do have a real goal set now, but I don't want to type it because then I'll be anxious about it. We'll see how things go.

Prognosis: Negative

It's really disappointing when you have high expectations for a movie, and then that movie doesn't deliver. In the last five summers or so, only twice did I leave the theater thinking I had just seen something brilliant. And that was after The Dark Knight and Skyfall, which, as I pointed out in an earlier post, are essentially the same movie.

Ever since then, I go into a big nerdy action fest, expecting greatness, only to be let down. The Dark Knight Rises was way too convoluted and had a bunch of useless characters and plot jumps that were inexcusable, all detracting from the most interesting character, Bane. The Avengers was pretty spectacular, if not for the completely pointless aliens who blindly shot at stuff until something punched them. Oh, and then they all conveniently dropped dead once the mother ship was destroyed. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was such a mess, I...I just can't get into that right now.

Last night I saw Iron Man 3, and of course, everyone was saying how it's the best of the trilogy and it tops The Avengers and what not. But all I saw was a step-for-step action movie, filled with plot holes and shallow characters. My friends and I walked out of the theater saying "well, I guess that was good." It seemed like everyone else in the theater felt the same way; most people left before the post-credits scene, which is odd when you figure this was a premiere showing, so the people in the audience are probably big fans anticipating that final cliffhanger.

Well, if I'm going to review this bitch, I guess I should get started. My main complaint is that it wasn't what I expected. Literally. There is a point in the movie, about halfway through, where the entire plot changes, and you have to decide either to stick with it or completely lose interest. I don't want to give away what that point is, but you'll absolutely know it when it happens.

Then you have these bad guys, who have undergone some sort of medical procedure in which their DNA has been enhanced. We see that the positive effect is bodily regeneration and perfection. The creator, Aldrich Killina, cures his own handicap; other people who are missing arms and legs and what not -- soldiers, children with birth defects, etc. -- can grow their limbs back. It's definitely a world-changing serum, or at least the beginnings of one. Except the side effect is that those who undergo the procedure have some sort of ability to heat their bodies to extreme temperatures, which, for some reason, gives Killian super strength, super speed, and the ability to, well, breathe fire. The true nature of this serum, how it works, and how it factors into the plot or the larger universe, is never really fleshed out. As with the alien invasion in The Avengers, it should definitely have effects that continue to ripple through this shared universe, but...it doesn't.

Which brings me to my next point. Tony Stark has PTSD after his near-death experience in The Avengers. To cope with this, he has been building Iron Man, I guess in preparation for the next attack. But here, I have to say, the trailers put more emphasis on his inner turmoil than the movie did. He had a couple of panic attacks that really didn't affect his plot or his character, beyond being a reason for him to build neat suits, which, in turn, only exist for the epic finale. Seriously, after the finale, Tony just blows them up because...he's cured...I guess.

One of the worst things to happen to movies with sequels is that the villains all have the same motive and the same strategy over and over again. In the original Spider-Man trilogy, it always came down to villains luring Spider-Man into a trap by using Mary Jane as a decoy. With Iron Man, each villain has a grudge against Tony and tries to use their technological expertise to overcome his. Obadiah Stane thinks he should run Stark Industries, so he funds some terrorists, puts Pepper in danger, and tries to kill Tony; Justin Hammer wants to eliminate the superior competition in weapons manufacturing, so he hires Ivan Vanko (pretty much a terrorist), puts Pepper in danger, and tries to kill Tony. Well, I don't want to give anything away, but the villain in Iron Man 3 has, for all intents and purposes, the same idea. I realize 'kill the bad guy, save the girl, and live happily ever after' is the go-to scenario, but come on. At least in The Dark Knight, Nolan just said 'fuck it, let's kill off the love interest.'

Now, I am a sucker for Marvel movies, especially the Avengers mega-franchise. But as a complete nerd for these movies, I just wasn't satisfied. The Mandarin is hinted at in the first two movies, but the average viewer most likely didn't notice. In this installment we learn that the Mandarin has in fact had it in for Tony since before the events of the first movie. And therefore it probably would have been smart and clever to reference those hints from the earlier films, just so people can go back and be like "holy shit, they were planning this all along. Awesome!" But instead they don't mention any of that. We get one flashback, and that is supposed to justify the actions of two central antagonists. Also, there were a   ton of theories about where this movie would leave us, in terms of The Avengers 2. Would they introduce any new characters (fans theorized about The Wasp or Ant-Man)? Would Tony end up in outer space, perhaps leading into the Guardians of the Galaxy movie? The answers to these questions is simply no. The post-credits scene features Bruce Banner (which is irritating, because it forces you to wonder where he -- and S.H.I.E.L.D. and Cap -- are the entire time terrorists are blowing up Americans) but it isn't very exciting.

In a way, that plot shift in the middle of the movie that I mentioned earlier is kind of a 'fuck you' to the hardcore fans. I chalk up my complaints to crappy writing. We are told that Tony has inner demons, but he just deals with them the same way he deals with everything else: witty sarcasm. He and Pepper are never in mortal danger, and his PTSD never affects his ability to kill bad guys and save the day.

Overall, the movie is action-packed and humorous, but for people like me, expecting an amazing entrance into The Avengers: Phase II, don't get your hopes up.

Ravioli a Marinara

I feel guilty posting this immediately after a post about dieting. Nevertheless, I've been overdo for some experimental cooking. In retrospect, this may not seem like a particularly original or challenging recipe, but the experience was definitely worth the effort.

Before I get to the food, let me first outline the circumstances of this little adventure. I was dogsitting at my cousins' house for one night while they attended a friend's wedding. I brought Marianne along for company. And since we weren't able to leave the dogs alone in the house for very long (the whole reason we were there to begin with), we decided to stay in and cook something from scratch.

And this brings me to lesson one: for the love of God, always cook in your own kitchen. Even if you don't cook, chances are you know your way around your kitchen better than you think. At the very least, you'll be aware of the level of aggravation your kitchen requires. For example, I know that measuring spoons in my kitchen are scarce. But I know which drawers I have to scrounge around in the bottom of in order to find one. I'm prepared for that annoyance. However, in someone else's kitchen, you don't know if they have spoons, where they'd be, if they're all together, if they're clean, etc.

For some reason, cooking at my cousins' seemed like a good idea. That is until I needed things to cook with. Like a bowl. Or a spatula. Or a freaking egg. Now the pots, they're no problem. My cousin has the pots hanging from the ceiling. Which I think is a really cool idea, except all three of them are short enough to pass under them. Not me. Every time I walked into the kitchen it was like my head was a bowling ball headed for a strike. I felt like the Dude, only I didn't get to look up any skirts or meet Saddam Hussein along the way. Marianne and I spent the better part of an hour getting things together. And we still had to go to the grocery store to get things like flour and basil. Eventually we just said 'screw it' to any sort of measuring tool and eyeballed it.

And so we started cooking. Step one: open the cans. Now, if you've ever witnessed me attempt anything, you know that for every inch I take forward, I stumble back a foot. Aside from getting our ingredients and bowls together, our first challenge was operating an automatic can opener. ...Ugh, that fucking can opener. The magical one-step can opener that, as the YouTube videos proved, only requires you to plug it in and aim it at a can, and it picks it up, hooks in the blade, and quickly and thoroughly removes the lid. Well, that's not quite how it worked for us. I hold up the can, the magnet grabs it. So far, so good. Now push the blade in. It won't go in; it keeps retracting into the thing. Okay got it. Not push down on the lever. Okay...nothing happens. Do I hold it down? No, they say just press it once and it will go until it's done. Well, I'm pressing it and it's not working. Well let go of it! I let go and it turns off, look! But it works fine without the can on there. Except it doesn't, cuz its job is to open cans. And when the can's not on there, it's not being opened, is it? Okay, relax...is it plugged in? Of course it's plugged in! Why wouldn't it be plugged in? You heard the motor turn a second ago! Whaddya think I unplugged it? Well try pushing the lever again. Uh, I am trying. It turns on for a second and then stops. Ah shit, the can just fell off the magnet and splattered sauce everywhere. Which is impressive since the only hole we've created (by accident) is tiny! The video says that the blade is removable. Why would I want to remove the blade?! I want it to fucking cut something!! I HATE YOU, CAN OPENER! YOU EVIL FUCKING BASTARD! THAT'S IT! WE'RE GOING TO TARGET!

Except, cheap ass that I am, I buy the cheapest can opener i can find, for $1.50. We drive all the way back to the house only to find that this opener is not aligned correctly. Once you try to crank the handle, the gear just rotates against the side of the can, and nothing happens. Am I in the fucking Twilight Zone? Are these cans made of adamantium?! THAT'S IT! FUCK THIS! JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING KNIFE, OR FORK, OR WHATEVER!! FUCKING CAN LID! I'LL GET YOU OPEN! YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP ME AWAY FROM THAT PRECIOUS PRECIOUS RED GOODNESS IN YOUR BELLY?! DIE! DIE!

(Now, if you've been paying attention, my last blog post was about a self-designed diet I've been trying to stick to. And at this point, I had eaten nothing all day and was two hours late for dinner. My teeth were grinding and my eye was starting to twitch. And I all I wanted was, if not to taste, than at least to just look at, some tomato sauce.)

This is the 21st century. I'm 22 years old. I'm a graduate student. And here I am jabbing at this can more desperately and deranged than a caveman on LSD trying to open a coconut with a banana.

You smug son of a bitch.

Anyways, once there were enough dents in what was left of the can to pour out the glorious contents, we set up the sauce and left it on the stove to simmer. This was my second time cooking a basic red sauce. And what I've learned is that the key is time. Just leave that baby simmering for as long as possible, and no less than an hour.

Next, onto the ravioli and the filling. My partner had the honors of making the dough, which was just flour, eggs, olive oil, and some water. Once that was good and mashed, it had to sit for half an hour. Meanwhile, I went to work on the filling, which was really just ricotta, mozzarella, and Parmesan cheese, with some basil, parsley, and oregano.

While that all sat for a bit, we had a good opportunity to clean up the disaster zone that was the kitchen counter and cabinets surrounding my crazed can infiltration.

Once it was time to make the pasta, we found ourselves without a rolling pin. First we used our hands. Then we tried squishing the dough with the bottom of a pot. Finally, I had the brilliant idea of using a wine bottle, which worked for a while. Then I had the even brighter idea of just texting my cousin and asking if she had one. Sure enough (she claimed) there was one in the cabinet next to the sink. Deep, deep in the back of the cabinet, behind a heap of pots and pans, I spotted, amidst the tarnished chrome and oil-stained metal, a hint of...was it maple? Like a miniature light from heaven had descended upon it, the handle of the rolling pin seemed to glimmer brighter and warmer than everything else. Victory at last.

Still pretty effective

Hm. I really only wanted 3 or 4.

That made the entire process much easier. Roll that bad boy out, plop on some filling, fold it over and pinch the ends closed. Needless to say, at this point, nearly three hours into the process, I was ravenous. And that's when i remembered the great thing about ravioli. They only need to boil for two minutes or so before they're ready for eating. And of course by now the sauce has had plenty of time to cook. Let's get this shit on the table!

Final verdict: absolutely mind-blowing. Okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, because I was starving. And just looking at it now is making my stomach rumble. But seriously, I really have no complaints. The sauce was tasty; my grandma might even have been proud. The ravioli were a bit chewy, but that comes with fresh-made pasta. In the future, I may try to roll the dough even thinner, or at least trim the edges a little closer so that it's not quite as thick and can absorb water faster. I also wasn't sure if the shredded mozzarella would melt into the rest of the cheese in the filling, but it did, and tasted fantastic. I know the meal seems simple, but it really is fun and relaxing to make, and by taking at least an hour, it gives your appetite a chance to grow.

We're all unhappy. Do we have to be fat too?

That's it. I'm going on a diet.

More accurately, I'm already a week or so into a diet. Nothing special. My main goal is just to keep a closer eye on what I eat. You see, I am one of those people who eats casually when there is nothing else to do. I blame this on a big stomach. I don't know if that has anything to do with it at all, but it just seems like I'm never full until I'm stuffed. I'm never really hungry either; I just get the urge to eat. And eat. And snack. And eat.

Well, no more. From now on -- or, at least, for as long as I can and before I lose interest -- I'm going to pay attention to what and how much I consume. I'll stick to the serving size on the package. I'll drink lots of water. And most importantly, I'm going to slow down when I eat. No more stuffing my face and then getting a bellyache.

And switch all of those verbs to the present tense, because, like I said, I've already been doing this for a week or so now. That was test number one; to see if I could last that long, before bothering to write about it.

I survived so far. But don't get me wrong, for the past week, I have been pretty consistently hungry. So much so that I'm beginning to find fast food commercials somewhat arousing. Food is popping into my fantasies. No more sex...just...a slab of bacon. Fuck that, this is MY fantasy, make it a mountain of bacon. With meatball boulders cascading down the slopes, over the prosciutto-thatched roof of my sausage-link cabin. Sauce is raining from the sky. Watch out for the orecchiette hail; they can get up to six inches in diameter. And what's this? It's a sauce flood! Gotta hop onto my macaroni raft and paddle to safety. Better yet, I'll hop onto a lasagna ark with two of every cold cut.

Okay okay! Snap out of it, sicko! Now I'm all hot and bothered. And starving.

Anyways...

Let me just collect my thoughts...

I try to skip breakfast. If I can't, I'll go for one egg and a piece of whole wheat toast. But if I have that, then I skip lunch. I make big delicious salads now, with cucumbers, apple slices, grapes, tomatoes, whatever I can find. As long as it's not chocolate chip cookies. And I try to go by the rule that a meal isn't a good meal unless I am still a little hungry [read: not engorged] afterwards.

My next mission is to start exercising. I'm too cheap for a gym membership, but I have a lunatic of a dog, with infinite energy, who would love to run with me. I already tried it, and unfortunately for him, my most consistent jog is barely a fast walk for him. But we'll start there. ...Okay, let's be honest. We'll START with a walk around the block. Then maybe a longer walk. Then maybe a bike ride or two. And eventually I'll get to running.

I don't like to set goals for myself. Mainly because I don't know how to create a realistic goal. And then when I don't reach it, I get discouraged. So my goal for now is...improvement. If we reach that goal, then I'll come up with a more specific one, along the lines of: MORE improvement. Worst case scenario, I get into no better shape, don't lose any weight, but feel slightly better about myself. Couldn't hurt, right? Then again, if I go through all this trouble and don't lose any weight, I'll probably just feel worse. So maybe there's an even worse case scenario. But let's not talk about that.

I'll try to check back in another week or two to talk about that goal I mentioned earlier.

They do good things. They read...

I read! Whole books sometimes. It's kind of a new thing for me. Reading always seemed like a chore for high school English. 'Read two books by the end of each quarter and take some pointless test on them for a grade.' It wasn't until after college that I got bored and started reading. And I haven't stopped. I obsessively have to get through a story as quickly as possible. And if it's a series, well...look out. I read Foundation by Isaac Asimov. Two weeks and fourteen books later I had read the entire Foundation series. Oops.

And on that note, let me get to the point of this post: Stephen King. My mom is a huge fan of his, and so I have been familiar with his work since long before it was appropriate for me to read it. I'm not going to review his work or anything like that. Not in this post anyway. It's just I realized how impressive it is that he is still relevant. This guy has been writing for what, forty years now. He has no problem producing a 1000-page epic novel every year or so, with other short stories and volumes in his Gunslinger series to fill the time between. I won't say all of his work is pure gold, but you have to hand it to the guy for having so many original stories. Chances are, if you somehow do not know him by name, you have seen his work in one form or another.

What I find even more impressive is how so much of his work is constantly being adapted to film and television. And it shows no sign of slowing down. Carrie was already a movie, but is now being remade. Under the Dome, published only in 2009, is being made into a (mini-)series, starting this summer. They are now almost definitely remaking Cujo. The Shining is getting a prequel movie, and there is a separate documentary out now about the Kubrick adaptation of the novel. I had heard a few months back some rumors about rebooting It and/or The Stand, which were both miniseries in the 90's.

It must feel really cool to sit back and see how people are still being fascinated and terrified by your storytelling. And to know that your characters -- Carrie White, Jack Torrance, Annie Wilkes, among others -- are among the most compelling (and disturbing) literary characters of our time (in my humble opinion). If you haven't read any of his works, get on it. Be it horror, sci-fi, or fantasy, his work is easy to read and will draw you in. You'll be finished before you even realize how quickly the shit hit the fan. Just be sure to keep a nightlight plugged in.

Just Take One Dip and END IT

I officially have too many posts dedicated to The Walking Dead. However, I decided after my last one -- which pointed out how boring and nonsensical the middle episodes of the second half of this season have been -- that I would need one more follow-up after the season finale, just to see if the story redeemed itself in the final episodes. As it turns out, it didn't. I was pretty frustrated by where the show has been headed (nowhere), but the season finale seems like the final nail in the coffin. The new writers don't seem to know how to create and maintain a story, let alone an interesting one.

The entire season has been building intensity between Rick's group and the Governor, who has proven again and again that he's completely insane. We should have learned our lesson in season two, when way too many episodes were dedicated to the same thing: Shane going against Rick. We all knew Shane's death was coming because he became so illogically disagreeable that there was just no place for him in the group. Now we have the Governor, who is senselessly evil. From the very beginning, Michonne suspects that he is crazy, and we side with her because, well, she has a cool sword. Other than that, there is no revelation of his motives or what makes him evil. He's just 'the bad guy.' So by the end of the season, he should be dead, right? And it should be some epic battle between him and Rick, or at least their respective groups. Of course, we're expecting other casualties along the way. That's the fun of the show, right? And there haven't really been any deaths recently, with the exception of Merle a week before.

There are also the comics to consider. Will this finale in any way bring us back around to something even resembling the source material?

The answer to both of these questions is a resounding NO! Rick and the Governor don't even see each other face to face. The Governor and his people storm the prison, which apparently Rick's group has booby-trapped and temporarily vacated. Some teargas cannisters explode and the Governor is forced to retreat. And...that's it. That is the resolution to the conflict that has been building for months. No one dies. No one of importance anyway. I guess we're supposed to assume some of the Woodbury people get killed at some point; Maggie and Glenn shoot at them all for a while as they run for their trucks. Rick and the others aren't even around.

The Governor leaves, alive. Down the road he decides to open fire on all of his people, because he's evil, and that's what an evil person would do. For some reason, none of them fire back. And the Governor and his two main henchmen drive off. Rick shows up at Woodbury and invites all the remaining people -- including Tyreese -- back to the prison.

And if that sounds out of character, it should. Rick has proven time and again that he doesn't care about other survivors. If anything, they represent a threat. But I guess they saved all of his character development for this last episode, where he completely changes his mind and rescues a bunch of women and children that for months had been told to fear him and his people. Also, Carl shoots an innocent kid, only reinforcing what we already know, which is that he has lost his humanity. Except even this is inconsistent with a scene earlier in the episode where he was lovingly cradling a picture of him and his parents.

As for the comics, I guess the writers just use them as toilet paper. The whole point of the prison shootout is to get Rick and Carl out of the prison and on the road alone, so the story has somewhere to go. Now they are still there, with an even larger group. People who should be alive are dead, and people who definitely need to die are still breathing. At least at the end of season 2, they got off of that unbearable farm. I'm not sure where they plan on taking the show next season, but I am starting to lose interest. There was no cliffhanger, other than the Governor still being alive. I hope we don't have to sit through another season of him trying to attack the prison. Then again, I'm not sure I'll even watch next season.

Anyways, this show has been moved to my WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED? list, right there with Dexter and True Blood.

They're Real, And They're Spectacular

Well, this is how my mind works. I was stacking firewood on my front porch. It was quite cold. Naturally, in the monotony of the task my mind wandered on to better things. It took the usual route. First it was food. Then breasts. It lingered there for a while, before switching to movies.

In the end I thought about the X-Men. They have two movies currently in production: one is the sequel to X-Men: First Class (called X-Men: Days of Futures Past) which is supposed to merge the prequel/reboot with the original trilogy. The other is The Wolverine. Both movies will feature Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine. And I thought, Hugh Jackman is like the definitive Wolverine. He has played the role in every X-Men feature and spinoff because not only is Wolverine everyone's favorite member of the team, but Hugh Jackman nails it. The thing is, Wolverine does not age. Hugh Jackman does. So what happens when Jackman is too old for Wolverine? I mean, he has already been reprising the role for nearly 15 years, eventually it's going to show.

I guess the answer would be to move on to another actor. It's not impossible to find someone else who could handle the role. Who knows, maybe he be an even better Wolverine. But, I've been thinking. Does that really have to happen? This is the 21st century! Nowadays, they can do just about anything with CGI. Just look at Avatar. Actually, don't. That movie was kind of stupid. Look at Lord of the Rings instead, and how Gollum is played by a dude in a green suit.

One thing they have been toying with, but haven't quite perfected yet, is creating a three-dimensional model of a recognizable human face. And they've tried a few times.  In Tron: Legacy, the character CLU was played by a body-double with a computerized model of Jeff Bridges head from a 1980s movie superimposed onto it. And Bridges did voiceover work for the part. It was mostly convincing, but obviously not a real human.There is also Terminator Salvation, which did the same thing with a model of a younger Arnold Schwarzenegger's head in order to recreate the Terminator. The only other example I can think of is actually a commercial for Galaxy Chocolate, in which Audrey Hepburn's likeness is completely artificial (and quite eerie, as she smiles and eats chocolate).

So I was thinking, if Fox owns the rights to the character Wolverine, they can make him look like whatever they want, right? Even if it happens to look exactly like Hugh Jackman? So once Hugh can no longer keep up with the physical needs of the Wolverine character, they could just make a mold of his features and create a digital model that can be used whenever they need it. I suppose he'd have to contribute voice work for a while. But it's only a matter of time before they figure out how to replicate the voice too.

My point is, just like 3D, CG facial likenesses are probably going to get used more and more, for better and worse. And one interesting use would be to keep Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine for another 10 or 15 X-Men movies. What do you think? Would it be more traditional/sensible to eventually get a new actor in the role? Or should the studio just say 'what the hell' and keep Jackman in the role forever? It would be pretty cinematically groundbreaking, not just technologically, but also because it would actually immortalize an immortal character. Think about it.

And for those of you who were wondering how the wood stacking went...some of it was kind of wet. And even though it's early March, there were snails and fungus clinging to some of the downward-facing pieces. That's why it's important to wear gloves.

Oh, and here's a link to the Audrey Hepburn Galaxy Chocolate commercial.

The Show is Written ABOUT Zombies, Not FOR Them

Look, I hate to do this before the season is over. But I am having trouble holding my breath for the rest of season 3 of The Walking Dead. And besides, I haven't written anything in a while.

What the hell is going on? The show just came back a few weeks ago from its midseason break, and absolutely nothing has happened since. The last three weeks in particular seem to have been written with the sole purpose of wasting time until the season finale. If you haven't seen them, let me recap.

Episode 11: "I ain't a Judas"

GOVERNOR, to Andrea: If you go to the prison, that's it. Don't come back. You will be our enemy.

ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: Okay.

[At the prison]

ANDREA: I'm alive!

RICK: Meh.

ANDREA: The Governor is a good guy. I slept with him, I should know.

MICHONNE: He's crazy.

MAGGIE: He tried to rape me.

GLENN: He had Merle try to feed me to a walker.

RICK: He came here and opened fire on unarmed men and women walking around in the daylight.

ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: You're all wrong. He doesn't want a war. I have to go.

RICK: If you're one of us, you'll stay. If you go, that's it. Don't come back. You will be our enemy. [Andrea leaves]

RICK: We will kill the Governor, first chance we get. Nothing will change my mind about that.

[At Woodbury]

GOVERNOR: You're back.

ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: Did you really try to kill Glenn, rape Maggie, make Daryl and Merle kill each other, and shoot unarmed men and women?

GOVERNOR: ...

ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: You're not a monster. Let's have sex.

THE END

Episode 12: "Clear"

[Rick, Michonne, and Carl are in a car.]

RANDOM, DESPERATE SURVIVOR ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Help me! Help! PLEASEEEEE!

RICK: Ignore him. I hate everyone. We need to learn to leave people behind. By the way, Michonne, I don't trust you.

[In some town]

MORGAN, disguised with mask: Hand over your guns, or die!

RICK: No!

[Bullets. Michonne teleports to a rooftop. Morgan walks out on the street and Carl shoots him.]

CARL: I shot him.

RICK: Carl, my helpless son who used to run through the zombie-infested woods around Hershel's farm, and then through the dark zombie-infested hallways of the prison, completely unattended, are you okay? Are you mentally scarred by any of this?

CARL: It's what mom would have wanted.

RICK: Michonne, I trust you now, babysit my son for a while. [Michonne and Carl leave.]

RICK: Morgan, it's me, Rick.

MORGAN: I don't know you.

RICK: Yes you do!

MORGAN: Okay, I know you.

RICK: Come back with us.

MORGAN: No.

RICK: I never leave a man behind! We have to hold on to our humanity.

MORGAN: What about that survivor on the highway? The one who, even though we are now over a year into the zombie apocalypse, is still helplessly running around trying to figure out what's going on, while I, a civilian, have managed to stockpile a room full of automatic weapons, carve hundreds of spears out of broom handles, as well as capture a bunch of rats and rodents to use as bait?

RICK: Okay, you're right. I'll see ya later.

[Meanwhile...]

CARL: I have to kill all the walkers in this diner that has no significance to viewers.

MICHONNE: I have a better idea. [Michonne teleports in, gets whatever Carl wanted, and teleports back.] Here you go.

[Michonne and Carl return to Rick.]

RICK: Okay let's go. I hope nothing at all of importance has been going on with the prison or Woodbury.

[As they drive away, they pass the random, desperate survivor on the side of the road, who has since been disemboweled. After a full year, he hasn't even learned to run from a walker.]

THE END

Episode 13: "Arrow on the Doorstep"

[Rick shows up at some factory, with Hershel and Daryl. The Governor is already there. Andrea arrives with Martinez and Milton.]

[Outside]

MARTINEZ: Fuck you!

DARYL: Fuck you!

MILTON: I am a man of science. Can't you tell by this notebook! We don't want to fight.

HERSHEL: Neither do we. I am missing a leg, and am therefore the sensible one of the two of us.

MILTON: We're not so different.

HERSHEL: Yea, but we're going to have to kill each other anyway because we need a season finale.

[Inside]

RICK: Who arranged this meeting?

GOVERNOR: I will gladly kill you and all of your friends, just because I don't give a shit.

RICK: I won't let that happen.

ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: Look, I believe that...

RICK: Shut up!

GOVERNOR: Go away!

[Andrea goes outside]

HERSHEL, to Andrea: You belong with us. If you're one of us, you'll stay with us. If you go, that's it. Don't come back. You will be our enemy.

ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent: I think I'll come with you.

[Inside]

GOVERNOR: Okay, I am a man of my word. And I think, sitting down like this, with a table and chairs and everything, you have no reason not to trust me, even though I keep smiling maniacally every time I say something that is obviously not true.

RICK: You're right. I trust you. What do you want?

GOVERNOR: Michonne. Let me rape and torture that bitch, and you can keep the prison.

RICK: Hm, that is some noble reasoning. I'll think about it.

[Rick, Hershel, and Daryl go back to the prison. Andrea, Martinez, the Governor, and Milton head back to Woodbury.]

ANDREA, looking shocked and ambivalent, to the Governor: How'd it go? What's the plan? Everything work out?

GOVERNOR, smiling maniacally: Ohhh yes, it's been worked out. Worked out real good. Mwahahaha!

THE END

So we have three full 42-minute episodes of characters saying one thing and then doing another for really no other reason than to take up time. I find it irresponsible that AMC or the writers or whoever would push for an extended season of 16 episodes, knowing that there's not enough story to fill it.

Now, I have also read the comics. And I appreciate that the TV series is a completely different story, and therefore I will not stress over the immense liberties being taken with the source material. But one thing that gets me is that the characters are actually more interesting on paper. In the comics, we see that the Governor is insane and not just because Michonne gets a bad feeling about him. And Tyreese, that dude who just wandered into the big gaping hole in the prison at the end of the first half of season three, is supposed to play a huge role in defending the prison. In the show, he and his group represented a huge cliffhanger before the break. But instead they tossed him and the others out after one episode, and he is only mentioned again once since then. The same goes for Morgan. Why bother mentioning the character again if you're just going to drop him at the end of the episode. What a waste of time.

In the show, they managed to drag Hershel's farm out for an entire season, when in the comics the group wasn't there for very long. And yet they WERE at the prison for a pretty long time time. And a lot of interesting stuff happened to them. But the writers opted to cut out all of the good stuff, and throw in a bunch of dead ends and plot holes. And worst of all: where are the zombies!? For three seasons, the show has sacrificed any significant character development to showcase the blood and gore. But in the last few episodes we have been seen an walkers, let alone feel threatened by or afraid of them.

I certainly hope they put the next three episodes to good use. They can only build up tension between Rick and the Governor so far without actually doing anything. And that's what everyone is waiting for.

Sorry, We Already Have a George

So what's the deal with two or more movies coming out in the same year that have essentially the same premise. And I am not talking about the straight-to-DVD copycats with similar titles, like Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies and Hansel and Gretel: Warriors of Witchcraft. I mean theatrical features produced by the top studios. I suppose it's not a new concept, but it seems to be more popular this year and last. To celebrate the current lack of originality in Hollywood, which is wrought with sequels, reboots, and, parodies, I thought I would honor some of the most original unoriginal ideas.

The oldest pair that comes to mind is A Bug's Life and Antz. Do I really have to explain what they're about? Both are animated. One represents America's premier animation studio (Pixar) in the early stages of its eventual empire, and the other...has Sylvester Stallone. One is entertaining for children and adults of all ages, and the other...has Sylvester Stallone.

A year or two ago there we saw No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits. And when I say 'we saw', what I mean is, 'maybe some people saw it, but I wasn't one of them'. Nevertheless they are both about friends having sex with each other and, I assume, falling in love. They both feature actresses who were much better in Black Swan. And they both feature leading men who should stop stepping in front of cameras: Justin Timberlake and Ashton Kutcher.

A year before that, Kutcher also gave us Killers, which is the age old romantic comedy about a seemingly normal guy who is actually a secret agent, and the dumb blonde who follows him around and falls in love with him. It's a carbon copy of the Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz masterpiece, Knight and Day.

There was that period where all we wanted to see was grim, post-apocalyptic movies where the cause of the end of the world is unknown, but everything is cold, dead, and brownish-colored. Now let me just point out that all other pairs of movies in this post came out in the same year. Which is my point. And I say that, because technically The Road and The Book of Eli were released in two different years, but it was only by a couple months, so I'm still including. And yes, you can argue that they are completely different, and original movies. To which I reply: Eh, not really.

The Dark Knight showed us that not all superhero movies have to be Superhero Movies. So in one year we got a pair of films about guys who are tired of the crime around them, and so they dress up in shitty outfits and try to take down mobsters. Those films are Kick-Ass and Super.

Speaking of Christopher Nolan, The Prestige was an awesome mind-bending movie with clones and magic and David Bowie. The Illusionist was about...well, illusions, I guess.

Which brings me to 2012. It's not like a studio doesn't know that another studio is doing the same thing. So...is it a race? Is it a competition? I haven't seen Paranorman or Frankenweenie, but they both appear to be reimagined horror stories with Tim Burton-style animation, for kids. And even their covers are too similar to care if either of them are any good. Also last year we got two different interpretations of Honest Abe, one Oscar-bait biopic starring Daniel Day-Lewis (Lincoln) and the other a what-if scenario in which the Confederates are actually vampires (the aptly titles Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter). Finally, we were treated to not one, but two dramatized live-action reinterpretations of the Snow White fairy tale: Mirror Mirror and Snow White and the Huntsman.

This year seems to be continuing with the fairy tales, as we have already gotten Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters and Jack the Giant Slayer. Okay, so maybe these movies are not quite about the exact same thing. It just seems like in the long run they are using similar source material to accomplish the same things, and are unsuccessful in both cases. Later on this year we will get two competing movies featuring A-list actors (Tom Cruise again, and Will Smith) returning to Earth after some futuristic war forced humanity to abandon it, in After Earth and Oblivion. And we'll also get two movies with the EXACT same plot -- Olympus Has Fallen and White House Down -- which, if the titles aren't clear enough, are both about terrorists taking over the White House.

Those are the only ones I bothered to come up with. If you can think of more, feel free to point them out in the comments. One could also make the same argument with TV shows. Just watch this video:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/48e76dcdab/i-can-t-believe-these-are-all-tv-shows

UPDATE:
Let's Add:
The Movie 43 and Inappropriate Comedy
Scary Movie 5 and A Haunted House 
Red Planet and Mission to Mars
Colombiana and Haywire

Silent Movies

The other day I attended a screening of the black and white silent film Sherlock Jr., starring Buster Keaton. Now, I never took a film class in college. Mainly because all of the interesting classes were upper-level and I didn't have the time or the desire to take the introductory prerequisites. So I am not really familiar with film technology in the first decades of the twentieth century, nor am I more than casually versed in the works of iconic performers like Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton. But, I have to say, the sophistication of Sherlock Jr. really surprised and amazed me.

First off, I personally find Buster Keaton more entertaining than Charlie Chaplin, despite the latter being generally accepted as the more influential celebrity. For one thing, Keaton wears a constant frown that perfectly mixes the gloomy moroseness of his character with an adorably juvenile innocence. It exemplifies his character much like the mustache and walking stick for Chaplin. Keaton rarely speaks; his thoughts and feelings are expressed purely through the tones of his frown, and his actions, which, again unlike Chaplin, are very subtle and contemplative.

In Sherlock Jr. what impressed me most were the visual effects that seemed decades ahead of their time. In particular, there was a dream sequence in which Keaton falls asleep in the projection room of a movie theater. A semi-transparent out-of-body Keaton appears and visualizes himself in the movie playing on the screen. To show this happening, the players on the screen are shown at the same scale as live actors on a stage. It was barely noticeable when the switch happened, and I was almost confused when Keaton, watching the movie, ran up and jumped into the scene.

What happened next was even more impressive. The scene was still set up as to be on a movie screen, two-dimensional and bordered. But as Keaton tried to go to the woman in the scene, the setting kept changing, while his body, clearly inside each scene, remained independent. It's hard to explain, but it reminded me of a black and white version of the movie Jumper. At first he is on a lawn with a bench. As he goes to sit down, the entire set changes to a desert and he falls over. It was simple and comical, but it must required an immense about of planning and editing to make his movements flow smoothly through ten or fifteen settings.

There were also some stunts, performed by Keaton, that were so quick and nonchalant they must have been real. For example, from a second- or third-story rooftop he jumps and grabs onto a railroad crossing pole and hangs on while it falls to the ground, landing perfectly in the back seat of an open-top car. The camera gives a wide, steady shot of the whole sequence, so you know there are no camera tricks, no support cables, and certainly no mattresses between the pole and roof in case he fell.

The last thing I wanted to mention was a scene where Keaton is playing pool. The gag is that his enemies have placed an explosive '13' ball on the table, hoping that Keaton will hit it. Miraculously, Keaton -- again, without every hesitating or changes his facial expression -- perfectly pockets every ball except the rigged one, which is never touched. The camera only switches away a few times, but there are several shots of Keaton taking four or five shots -- trick shots included -- and perfectly pocketing his target without moving the explosive ball at all. Either I am missing some very sophisticated camera work, or Keaton is a master pool player.

My point is, you don't really expect a black and white movie to be that entertaining. And if anything you expect the humor to be outdated and awkward. But I was surprised at how funny and relatable this story  is and how well-done the creative the stunts and illusions are. It is strange to think that movies that didn't even have sound could feature convincing and sophisticated camera tricks. If you ever get the urge to watch something different, I would recommend Buster Keaton.

An Evening with James Bond and Bruce Wayne

Over the weekend, I had the pleasure of watching the movie Skyfall again, which I had seen previously in theaters over the summer. Afterwards, I made a fairly obvious but for some reason untold observation: Skyfall and The Dark Knight are the same movie.

Before I continue, let me make it clear that I think both movies are fantastic, and they are among my favorite films. I am not attacking either of them, or in any way accusing one of plagiarizing the other. But the fact is, the characters, themes, imagery, and even dialogue, is so similar that it is hard to ignore.

Now, maybe I am just having a false revelation here. Maybe all movies in this genre have the same general structure and I just never noticed. But that can't be, because for one thing, both of these movies are instant classics; they seemingly take what we already know and do something different and awesome with it.

James Bond/007 is obviously Bruce Wayne/Batman. Both are orphans who come from money, but are set on their life course by the tragic events surrounding their parents' deaths. They run off at an early age and are taken in and trained to be deadly weapons (in Skyfall, M hints at this during a conversation with Bond. In The Dark Knight, it is expounded in the prequel, Batman Begins). In a way, both of them develop dual identities from their experiences in order to hide the pain of their childhood. Bruce Wayne turns his inner fears into his outward strength, by creating the Batman. While there is an external struggle of Batman trying to be the hero, Bruce Wayne is in fact, the man bogged down by his demons. He is human, and even though he believes the Batman is a necessity, he yearns to take off the mask, and pursue a life with Rachel.  Likewise, 007 is a role James Bond must play in order to be the hero, but over the course of the movie we see that his status as the poster child for MI6 is taking a significant mental and physical toll on him.

Silva, Skyfall's villain is pretty much the Joker, with less makeup. Both of them are bad guys the likes of which no one has really seen before. Gotham, a city constantly dealing with mobsters and internal corruption, is caught off guard by the lunatic Joker, only interested in chaos and misery. MI6 is unprepared for the high-tech assault by Silva. Both villains represent the antithesis to the hero. Silva was, like Bond, an agent at MI6. He points out that he and Bond are victims of M's mother-like control over them, but that they are survivors—the two remaining rats in the barrel, as he puts it. He also warns that eventually M will turn against Bond, just as she did with him. In The Dark Knight, the Joker gives Batman a similar piece of advice: "To them you're just a freak, like me. They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out. Like a leper." He insists that Batman's talents are wasted on his commitment to justice and his inability to take a life. The Joker targets Harvey Dent, in the hopes of turning 'Gotham's white knight' in a villain. Silva wants to destroy M's reputation and villainize her before the rest of England's government. Both of them are successful. Even their methods are sort of equal and opposite. The Joker believes in low-tech terrorism; he repeats how much damage one can do with dynamite, gasoline and bullets. He threatens to kill more Gothamites each day until Batman reveals his true identity. Silva, on the other hand, uses technology to terrorize England. He hacks MI6, and then uses YouTube to release the identities of their undercover operatives each week. Furthermore, Silva and Joker both come off as being overly theatrical weirdos with mysterious aliases, and then turn out to be ten steps ahead of the good guys for 90% of the movie. Interestingly, both have somewhat startling facial deformities as a result of their past transgressions, and both give disturbing accounts of how they got those deformities. 

M is equivalent to Harvey Dent. Both of them represent the public face of the hero's questionable methods of justice. M at first makes the mistake of thinking 007 is expendable, and allows him to be shot. This, combined with Silva's actions, call into question the effectiveness of the '00' program, which M has to defend in court. Over the course of the film, she realizes that Bond is necessary for the security of Great Britain (and the world). Harvey Dent wants to have the Batman arrested and is suspicious of his intentions, but then realizes the value of an incorruptible symbol of justice working behind the scenes. Eventually, both become the target of the respective villains, and have to be protected by the hero throughout the movie. And (spoiler alert) both of them eventually meet their demise in the arms of the hero, but only after the villain is apprehended/killed. 

Q and Lucius Fox are identical in that they are technological geniuses with humorous dispositions. They have access to, for all intents and purposes, unlimited resources. They do not work directly for the hero, and they outfit the hero with exciting gadgetry. Lucius Fox even creates a sonar-based map of the entire city, much like the subterranean map of London that Q comes up with while searching through Silva's encrypted software.

One could also argue that Mallory and Commissioner Gordon are analogous. Gordon and Dent have different methods and goals for cleaning up Gotham, and they argue over what the role of the Batman should be. When Dent eventually dies, Gordon becomes Batman's closest ally. Likewise, Mallory at first butts heads with M about the necessity of the '00' program and the usefulness of Bond. But over the course of the film, he comes to respect M and Bond, and when M is killed, he takes over M's job as the director of MI6. There is even the courtroom in which Silva attacks M, but is protected by Mallory until Bond can come to the rescue, which is fairly similar to when the Joker attacked Dent's convoy, and Gordon had to keep him safe until Batman neutralized the threat.

The supporting cast also seems to fill the same the roles in either film. For example, Severine and Rachel are love interests who represent a way out for the hero. But in both cases, the villain gives the hero an ultimatum that results in the woman's death, reinforcing the hero's rage and desire for revenge. Kincade (the man at the Skyfall estate) and Alfred, are both caretakers that have known the hero since they were children and understand the events that created the hero's inner struggles.

The settings in both movies are like characters as well. Batman's mansion and access to his bat-cave were destroyed in Batman Begins. So in The Dark Knight he is using an underground facility somewhere in Gotham. In Skyfall, MI6 is compromised, so Bond has to report to the new headquarters in a WWII bunker. In both cases, the setting represents how the hero has been stripped of what he is used to, and must retool with what is available to him. (Interesting sidebar about settings: both heroes fight and capture a minor villain in a poorly-lit -- but also kind of blue-tinted -- skyscraper in China.)

Even the themes in each movie are the same. Much like Dent's two-headed coin, Dent and Batman are opposite faces of justice in Gotham, but both of them are essential. A great line from The Dark Knight, by Dent is: "You either die the hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." In a way, he is talking about himself and Bruce Wayne alike. If he had died in the explosion that the Joker orchestrated, he would have died the white knight of Gotham. Instead, he lived, and the Joker warped him into Two-Face. Batman survived to take down the Joker and-Two Face, but was then accused of murdering Dent and became public enemy number one. The same quote applies to Skyfall. Silva is like an earlier version of Bond; he was favored by M and a hero to his country. But he became too ambitious and rebellious, and M turned him over to the enemies of MI6. After being tortured and attempting suicide, and surviving, he turned his anger and frustration against his former masters.

There are a number of more specific plot and dialogue connections that I just don't see the point of going into. But the fact is, these movies match up astonishingly well. In a way, one could argue that they deserve to be the same. Both have similar histories. Batman has been around on the big screen since the sixties, and has undergone a number of renovations and reinterpretations. He started out as a goofy hero with absurd gadgets, and peculiar villains. But has since been reborn into a much more vivid and believable world. All of this describes the history of James Bond as well. And for both franchises, these two movies in particular represent benchmarks in the story. They take the classic ideas of the franchise and reinterpret it for a modern, more realistic world.

These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty!

We need to talk about food chains. I mean the 'family restaurant' chains that advertise a good time with good food and friends and what not. I recently went out to one of these places and realized two things: that they are all pretty much the same, and they all suck.

I go with two other people. We have to wait fifteen minutes or so for a table. This isn't a big deal. Though it was mildly surprising, because it was Valentine's Day. I understand people taking their loved ones out for a romantic, intimate, and delectable meal for Valentine's Day, and let's just say Applebee's would not have been my first choice for that. Nevertheless the place was packed.

We finally get seated at a booth against the wall in the back. Right behind us is the register where all the waiters are tallying up their tables' bills. And here is my first wave of complaints. For one thing, why are these places always so over-staffed? There is consistently half a dozen employees standing around the register talking (and occasionally using profanity) and arguing about work and life. In my opinion, at no time should there be employees just lingering around waiting for something to do. Especially in a packed restaurant. If they want to chit chat, they can take a five minute break and go outside. I can't even hear what the other people in my booth are saying to me, over their complaints about The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones. Which brings me to something else: don't you dare talk about a show or movie that I have also seen, in my presence, without meeting the intellectual and analytic standards that I demand in conversation.

Anyways, our seater seats us, someone else comes over and introduces herself as waiter A, but tells us that waiter B will be serving us tonight. So what is her purpose exactly? She leaves. Waiter B arrives to take our drink order (we never see waiter A again) and asks if we'd like any of the house specials. We ask him what they are, but he isn't sure. Instead he indicates the advertisement stuffed between the condiment rack (one of about six different special advertisements sprinkled over the table. There were three in the condiment rack, one of which opened like a book; a triangle-shaped one on the center of the table; an extra sleeve that falls out of the menu when you open it; and drink recommendation on every little coaster and napkin) which states that if we are not told about the specialty drinks upon being seated, we are entitled to a free appetizer. In fact, we we were not told about the drinks, and until he pointed it out, we hadn't even seen the offer. When we asked for the free appetizer, he simply said that because it is Valentine's Day, the offer does not apply.

He leaves and comes back a few minutes later with our drinks. My glass of water had dried, crusted sauce all over it (maybe some of those morons loitering by the register should pick up a sponge), and he spilled sangria all over the table and menus. So much that he and another waitress had to bring over towels to clean it up. And he didn't so much as apologize.

Looking at the menu, I can't help but notice that they have the calorie values for each meal. I realize this is regulation. And it wouldn't be that noticeable, if they weren't so absurdly high! The most surprising and terrifying part, is that the appetizers seem to have more calories than the main dishes. And we're talking over 2000 calories! What's the adult man supposed to consume in a day? 2000-2500? Well, there is your entire intake value for the day. And it's a small bowl of chips and dip.

The menu is clearly designed for quantity instead of quality. Every meal seems to be some absurd combination of things that do not really belong together. Shrimp and chicken, shrimp and steak, steak and chicken, all of them with or without pasta and...cheese. It is just gross and unappetizing. I ordered a cheeseburger, medium, figuring that they can't possibly screw up a simple burger. (Though I should also point out that 'cheeseburger' and 'hamburger' were not options in the burger section. There were only six strange themed burgers that again tried to combine different genres of food. For example, the quesadilla burger, which is exactly what it sounds like.) When it finally arrived, it looked like something that was purchased over-the-counter at Wendy's, frozen, and then microwaved and thrown onto a different bun, just for me. Why ask how I would like it cooked when all of them are paper-thin patties that come out of the toaster the same?

The sad thing is, I would have preferred to go to Wendy's or McDonald's, gotten something cheap and tasty, and gotten out of there in 10 minutes. Instead I have to sit here for an hour and a half while I'm waited on by half a dozen blank-faced zombies, who, I assume, when they're not texting or playing minesweeper on the computer, are in the kitchen cooking the food with their eyes closed.

It wasn't even worth it to get rid of a stupid $15 gift certificate I won in a trivia contest back at school. From now on, I will do everything in my power to avoid these restaurants. And please, if you have any self-respect or respect for the people you are eating with, go somewhere else. Somewhere original. You deserve better.

The Soft, White Pillow of Hell

I don't care for winter weather. It requires too much work and preparation: the extra layers of clothing that take an hour to put on and then you sweat; the moisturizer you need when your skin dries out to the point of cracking and bleeding; the rampant assault of cold and flu that forces you to wash your hands ten times a day, only making them colder and drier...

About once a year we get a really big snow storm that leaves a foot or two of snow on the ground. It's strange that even nowadays, when a big storm is pending, I experience a fleeting echo of the childish excitement I would feel when I was younger. What is it about the snow that is so enticing? It's like the human brain is programmed to equate snow with fantasy and wonder. For a kid, it means, most importantly, a potential Snow Day. That, in itself, makes it a miracle. But there are so many other quintessential snowy activities to partake in: snowball fights, snowman building, sledding, ice skating, and igloo construction. These are the things I want to do. These are things that, if my understanding of American culture is accurate, kids are supposed to enjoy doing in the wintertime.

Except, despite the exhilaration I would feel before a big storm, none of these ideas ever came to fruition. In my youth, I was a short, plump asthmatic. The weight of the extra layers of clothing, alone, would have me panting before I got to the door. On the occasion of a Snow Day, I would not be allowed to sleep in and then go play in the snow. Instead I would be woken up even earlier than I would normally get up for school, so that I could start shoveling the driveway and a path for the dogs to go to the bathroom. By the time the sun was up, I was sweating and wheezing, my face was numb, and my back was throbbing.

As for those classic American winter activities, let's see. I tried to build a snowman once, in my back yard, with my brother. The thing is, when you have dogs, there is poop and pee everywhere; and when it snows, it's hidden or harder to pick up. But, being a kid, you don't really consider this, until you have a big beautiful boulder of snow...with smelly brown and yellow patches on it. Sledding is a sick joke, I assume created by lazy parents, as a way to exhaust their children's energy while they're outdoors. You drag your sled (and your short, round self) to the top of a hill, only to slide back down again. Best case scenario, the ride last five seconds, as compared to the ten minute trek to the top. Worst case scenario, you sink into the snow at the summit and have to thrust yourself forward until gravity changes its mind, but then the sled gets offset by your foot holes on the hill and you end up tumbling off a few times on the way down. The one time I tried to make an igloo, I had to make a pile of snow first, and then hollow it out. I was so exhausted from shoveling that the made was too small. In an act of desperation I hollowed it out anyway, to find that only my head and shoulders could fit inside. Ice skating is another activity that should only be allowed for the skinny and flexible. By the time my second skate touched the ice, I was already on my ass. 90 percent of the experience was me floundering around on the ice trying to stand back up, while everyone else glided around me. As for snowball fights, well, they required a group of friends, something I never had when I was little.

The worst thing about the snow is how freaking cold it is. You're never really dressed warm enough, and no matter what, there is some amount of skin exposed that gets even colder. I wear glasses, and when the wind blows, snow curls around the edges of the frames and viciously stings my eyes. And there is always a piece of wrist that appears between the jacket and glove that inevitably gets snow on it; when I try to wipe the snow away, it just goes underneath the sleeve. I want to go out there and play around for a few hours, but after five minutes I am cold, exhausted, and uncomfortable. Why, snow? Why are you so deceiving?

Iron Man vs. Boba Fett

This is a big week for Disney movie news. On the one hand, Marvel Studios has been revealing tidbits of information about what the future holds for their ever-expanding Marvel Universe, centered around the Avengers. And on the other, Disney/Lucasfilm has just announced that, in addition to the new Star Wars trilogy being arranged, there will also be accompanying stand alone features. I can't help but wonder if the two situations are connected.

Marvel Studios is seeing immense success with their growing number of interlocking franchises, including Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America. We already have a schedule for 'Phase II' of the Marvel Universe, which gives us sequels for these three characters, as well as the premier of the Guardians of the Galaxy, all coalescing into an Avengers sequel. But it doesn't stop there; the people at Marvel Studios are already brainstorming ideas for 'Phase III'. It has been confirmed that Ant-Man and Doctor Strange will get their own films, and rumors have been circulating about future Hulk ideas, as well as the Inhumans.

I, personally, think all of this is a great idea. I'm not saying there is any reason to expect that every one of these movies will be cinematic gold. But it is a revolutionary concept to produce so many films with immersing characters and worlds, that have a unifying story, in a short period of time. And that is the double-edged sword of comic book movies. The comics have been around for decades; there is an extraordinary wealth of source material from which to draw story-lines for films. The problem is producing movies fast enough to 1) keep people interested, and 2) keep around the same actors. Then again, maybe the studio will keep finding ways around that (no one really minds that three different actors have portrayed the Incredible Hulk in the last decade).

So please, Marvel Universe, get while the getting is good, sign up your actors for 15, even 20, films and do as much as you, while you can. Money obviously is no longer an issue. Don't sell out, but continue to expand the universe and give us interesting characters and stories before the actors get too old or someone suggests rebooting a character in a different direction. Because even this decade-long wave of films is only temporary. I am predicting that 20 years from now, when Disney has managed to purchase the rights to the X-Men and Spider-Man, there will be an entire Marvel Universe reboot!

And that brings me to the Star Wars Universe. Maybe the folks at Disney/Lucasfilm are realizing that they are facing a similar situation. There are tons of Star Wars material out there that would make great films. Give us a trilogy. Give us solo films! ...hey wait. See what I did there? 'solo films', as in Han Solo films. Anyways... expand the universe! And the great thing that Star Wars has that the Marvel Universe doesn't, is longevity. The Star Wars mythos spans hundred (and I assume, thousands) of years. Whereas the Marvel Universe only has maybe 15 years before their films either have to address the characters' aging or make some cast changes, the Star Wars Universe is not limited by time. We won't need any reboots, or really too many recurring characters; we can just have new stories that are briefly or vaguely interlocking, for the next 50 years. Marvel Studios has shown us that you don't need to confine an epic story to a trilogy; just keep telling us new stories!

Now, I'm sure there is a downside. Worst case scenario, these studios start producing shit titles, just to get people into theaters (ala Pixar). I mean, this is basically Disney 101. I'm looking at you, Cars 2 and Pirates of the Caribbean 4. But in the case of Star Wars, you don't have to rely on a Jack Sparrow to carry four movies. If people get tired of a character, just move on to a different story.

So anyways, I am really excited about what happens with these - franchises? universes? I'm not even sure what they're called - developments. There is so much potential. I hope they don't screw it up.

Bane revisited

Earlier I wrote a bit about Christopher Nolan's version of Bane and how the character did not get enough attention in the movie The Dark Knight Rises. Well, since then I have been continuing on my Bane crusade, and I wanted to provide an update of where it has lead me.

Last month, for Christmas, I received what is without a doubt one of the greatest gifts a Dark Knight fan can ask for. It is a 12:1 scale replica of masked man himself. Look!

Now, I know what you're thinking. "That replica isn't accurate. For one thing, at no time in the movie does Bane hold up Batman's cowl level or above his own head. And even when he is holding the cowl in the movie, it is broken."

Well, these things are true, but who cares? Look at the amazing detail that went into the armor, the muscles, veins, and scars, and the way Bane's fingers loop through the eye holes of the cowl. It is extremely impressive craftsmanship. Needless to say, Bane is now the commander of the nick-knacks in my room, and he stands triumphantly on the coffee table whenever I am watching The Dark Knight Rises.

I also mentioned in that earlier post that I often envision Tom Hardy's Bane as the villain in other movies, but that I am not creative enough to flesh out the details of how he would replace Voldemort or the Wicked Witch or whatever. Well, along those same lines, I happen to come across an awesome youtube video of what The Dark Knight Rises would have been like if Bane's intentions were a little different. The link is below. Obviously the credit goes to those who made the video, and did a fantastic job. I wish I was half as pointlessly clever as they are.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IkMPZ7WeDck

Fine Dining: Capunti e Polpettine

One thing I haven't written about yet is food. Which may be surprising, because I am expert eater. I like to eat, and I occasionally like to cook. So I thought it would be fun to periodically document my experiences in the kitchen. What I (try to) make. How it turns out. What I learn.

This first recipe comes from the October 2012 issue of a magazine called La Cucina Italiana (by the way, I am partial towards Italian food). Check out the website lacucinaitalianamagazine.com, where just the home page will make your mouth water. The recipe is simply titled Capunti e Polpettine, where capunti is the type of pasta and polpettine are meatballs. I did not tackle this recipe alone; I was assisted by the lovely Marianne Royce. And as I will explain, it is the kind of recipe that is much easier with two people.

Without further ado, here a look at the preparation of Capunti e Polpettine:

To make the pasta, you need:

2 cups of durum flour

2/3 cup of WARM water

1/4 tsp sea salt

One of the reasons we picked this recipe was for the pasta. We wanted to make pasta from scratch, but since I lack any pasta-forming apparatus, it had to be a noodle we could shape by hand. Interestingly, noodles shaped by hand generally require a flour made from durum wheat (which, if you're not a flour expert, is different from what you traditionally buy at a supermarket). The difference has something to do with the amount of gluten in the flour, which affects its durability, or something. Because of this, the dough doesn't have to sit for hours after being formed; the pasta can be shaped right away. If you google capunti you'll see that they are sort of supposed to look like empty edamame pods. However, as you'll see, my pasta-shaping skills need a little work.

 

The pasta came out a little thicker than I think it was supposed to. Not a big deal, but it sort of affected how well it cooked later on. This was my very first time shaping dough, however, so I have to be lenient.

After the pasta is formed, we just put it aside and got working on the polpettine.

For the meatballs and sauce, you need:

2/3 lb of ground veal

1 large egg

fine sea salt

3 tablespoons extra virgin oil

1 medium onion thinly sliced

1/4 teaspoon sugar

1/2 cup of beef broth

1 lb of capunti

3/4 cup of fresh basil

freshly grated parmigiano-reggiano or grano padano

This is the part where having a second person makes life a lot easier. All at once, water is put up to boil for the pasta, an onion is sliced and put on the skillet, the veal and egg is mixed and then has to be made in to many little balls. One skill I lack is multitasking, so if you're going to tackle this recipe alone, it would probably be wise to keep a checklist of things to do in the right order, so that you don't forget anything.

The balls, being tiny, do not require a lot of time to cook. The noodles, in this case, took a long time because they were so thick. And even when they were done, they were a little chewy.

As with most pasta dishes, the final product is colorful and enticing. I was afraid, after putting it all together, that it wouldn't be enough for four people. But since the noodles were heavy, they were more filling than dried pasta usually is. If I had to rate the job we did, as far as following the directions, and getting the correct final product, I would give us a 90%. Really the only thing that should have been a little different was the shape thickness of the pasta.

However, the dish itself was not quite what I hoped it would be. The taste was good, we all enjoyed it, and it was definitely something different. But looking back, I do not think the finished product was worth preparation. Forming the noodles was the bulk of the preparation. It took about an hour to knead the dough and then roll it out, cut it, and shape it all. I enjoyed this and would happily do it again. But the meatballs and the sauce were too simple. The veal required no seasoning, and the taste was sort of masked by the beef broth. There was no cohesion of flavors that one typically expects from an Italian sauce; the beef broth was overwhelming and was only mildly enhanced by the onions and the basil. So my rating for the, let's say, excitement, of the dish, is maybe a 75%; it was new and different, but it didn't blow my mind.

Would I make this meal again? Yes, but only if I skip making the pasta and just use something I can buy at the store. The recipe works better as something to whip up quick. But the time and effort that goes into the pasts really deserves a more interesting sauce to go with it. Also, I may just replace the veal with plain beef and some seasoning.