We need to talk about food chains. I mean the 'family restaurant' chains that advertise a good time with good food and friends and what not. I recently went out to one of these places and realized two things: that they are all pretty much the same, and they all suck.
I go with two other people. We have to wait fifteen minutes or so for a table. This isn't a big deal. Though it was mildly surprising, because it was Valentine's Day. I understand people taking their loved ones out for a romantic, intimate, and delectable meal for Valentine's Day, and let's just say Applebee's would not have been my first choice for that. Nevertheless the place was packed.
We finally get seated at a booth against the wall in the back. Right behind us is the register where all the waiters are tallying up their tables' bills. And here is my first wave of complaints. For one thing, why are these places always so over-staffed? There is consistently half a dozen employees standing around the register talking (and occasionally using profanity) and arguing about work and life. In my opinion, at no time should there be employees just lingering around waiting for something to do. Especially in a packed restaurant. If they want to chit chat, they can take a five minute break and go outside. I can't even hear what the other people in my booth are saying to me, over their complaints about The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones. Which brings me to something else: don't you dare talk about a show or movie that I have also seen, in my presence, without meeting the intellectual and analytic standards that I demand in conversation.
Anyways, our seater seats us, someone else comes over and introduces herself as waiter A, but tells us that waiter B will be serving us tonight. So what is her purpose exactly? She leaves. Waiter B arrives to take our drink order (we never see waiter A again) and asks if we'd like any of the house specials. We ask him what they are, but he isn't sure. Instead he indicates the advertisement stuffed between the condiment rack (one of about six different special advertisements sprinkled over the table. There were three in the condiment rack, one of which opened like a book; a triangle-shaped one on the center of the table; an extra sleeve that falls out of the menu when you open it; and drink recommendation on every little coaster and napkin) which states that if we are not told about the specialty drinks upon being seated, we are entitled to a free appetizer. In fact, we we were not told about the drinks, and until he pointed it out, we hadn't even seen the offer. When we asked for the free appetizer, he simply said that because it is Valentine's Day, the offer does not apply.
He leaves and comes back a few minutes later with our drinks. My glass of water had dried, crusted sauce all over it (maybe some of those morons loitering by the register should pick up a sponge), and he spilled sangria all over the table and menus. So much that he and another waitress had to bring over towels to clean it up. And he didn't so much as apologize.
Looking at the menu, I can't help but notice that they have the calorie values for each meal. I realize this is regulation. And it wouldn't be that noticeable, if they weren't so absurdly high! The most surprising and terrifying part, is that the appetizers seem to have more calories than the main dishes. And we're talking over 2000 calories! What's the adult man supposed to consume in a day? 2000-2500? Well, there is your entire intake value for the day. And it's a small bowl of chips and dip.
The menu is clearly designed for quantity instead of quality. Every meal seems to be some absurd combination of things that do not really belong together. Shrimp and chicken, shrimp and steak, steak and chicken, all of them with or without pasta and...cheese. It is just gross and unappetizing. I ordered a cheeseburger, medium, figuring that they can't possibly screw up a simple burger. (Though I should also point out that 'cheeseburger' and 'hamburger' were not options in the burger section. There were only six strange themed burgers that again tried to combine different genres of food. For example, the quesadilla burger, which is exactly what it sounds like.) When it finally arrived, it looked like something that was purchased over-the-counter at Wendy's, frozen, and then microwaved and thrown onto a different bun, just for me. Why ask how I would like it cooked when all of them are paper-thin patties that come out of the toaster the same?
The sad thing is, I would have preferred to go to Wendy's or McDonald's, gotten something cheap and tasty, and gotten out of there in 10 minutes. Instead I have to sit here for an hour and a half while I'm waited on by half a dozen blank-faced zombies, who, I assume, when they're not texting or playing minesweeper on the computer, are in the kitchen cooking the food with their eyes closed.
It wasn't even worth it to get rid of a stupid $15 gift certificate I won in a trivia contest back at school. From now on, I will do everything in my power to avoid these restaurants. And please, if you have any self-respect or respect for the people you are eating with, go somewhere else. Somewhere original. You deserve better.
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