Will somebody answer that damn phone! (A rant about smoke detectors)

Smoke detectors. Who needs them? You would think that in this day and age there would be more efficient ways to determine if there is smoke in the house. Now I don't mean to be ignorant. I know that some home security alarms have smoke and carbon monoxide detectors that immediately dial the alarm company when they detect a problem. But here in my house we have the standard wall-mounted detectors that make a high-pitched squeal to get your attention. So I am sitting in the den when one of the detectors in the house begins the period beep indicating that the battery is dying. And of course it doesn't beep every five seconds; it's more like every five minutes. So the first time it sounds I assume it's my imagination. The second time I wonder if it is something on TV. Finally, I mute the TV and sit in silence until I here it again and realize it's a smoke detector. Then begins the half hour long process of trying to determine where the sound is coming from when all I get is a single muffled beep every five minutes.

I finally locate the culprit at the top of the basement stairs. I pull it off the wall and stare at it, waiting for it to confirm if 1) it is the correct detector and 2) if it is, indeed, a question of the battery. There is a panel of lights that represent smoke, carbon monoxide, battery, and service, and a button in the middle labeled test/silence. Being the impatient guy that I am, I click test/silence figuring that it will tell me what's wrong. Big mistake! It starts blaring in my face. First the smoke alarm and then the CO alarm (because I guess I am supposed to memorize which one means which in case of an emergency?). But of course nothing with the battery. So then I sit and wait again for something to happen on its own, before the seeds of doubt start to germinate and I figure "was it really this one? Is it going to do it again?" And just as I figure it fixed itself and break eye contact with the panel of lights, it beeps again, forcing me to sit there for another five minutes, keeping my eyes focused on the battery light until I have a headache. At least, it beeps and the battery light flashes and I know that the smoke detector needs a new battery. The irritating truth: this smoke detector is brand new and was put on the wall a few days.